Terrified of Pride (no, not that Pride)

 How do you make peace with the fact that you're good at something?

When I was young, one of my favorite books was Stories from Grandma's Attic by Arieta Richardson. The author spun feel-good tales of wonders found in, you guessed it, Grandma's attic. It was filled with robust doses of behavior-laden expectations and "you should/nots". Nothing I wasn't used to. One of the morals of those stories (I don't even remember what the story was about) is BURNED and I mean BURNED into my psyche. Proverbs 16:18 PRIDE GOETH BEFORE A FALL. I can only imagine the story communicated the horrors of this transgression -  a quick google search confirmed it is one of the seven deadly sins - which, as St. Augustine wrote, "turns Angels into Devils", and stressed humility, humility, humility. 

I know there is "good" pride. But honestly for me, healthy, measured pride in the things I've genuinely worked for is:

a. not sexy

b. feels like a slippery slope to "bad" pride

c. seems like more effort than it's worth

I am in my very-very early 50's. I've lived some life, been around the block a time or two, not my first rodeo, etc., etc. I've got skills. Skills I secretly want to feel really good about, because honestly, they are the culmination of my life's work. These skills came at a cost. I write, I speak, I lead, I teach, I research, I learn, I strategize, I include, I draw out the good in people, I communicate deeply through the arts. If you hired me to do any of those things, you would likely not be disappointed. 

I want to celebrate the things I do well, but I'm afraid. Afraid of my ego. Afraid of that deadly sin. Afraid I'll fall and lose what I've worked for. Afraid I'll be punished from on high and be smitten with an uncontrollable bladder and ultra- rapid hair growth on my chin, neck and upper lip.

I'm probably entering menopause soon, if you couldn't already tell. 

Is there a connection between confidence and pride? Is it possible to live out of your confidence and leap-frog over pride altogether? Come to think of it, I don't think I have much issue with being confident. I approach confidence as an understanding that "I've got this". For me, confidence is a gift. 

Maybe, just maybe, I can be confident today because I know where I have the skills to get the job done. Maybe I know myself well enough to see what I'm not good at (changing the oil, parallel parking, downhill skiing). Maybe I use honest feedback/feedforward for my growth and not discount it as baseless criticism. Maybe as I practice influential management I lead out of those values.

And maybe one day I'll feel proud of those things. 

Sources:

Admin. (2015, January 29). Difference between pride and confidence. Compare the Difference Between Similar Terms. https://www.differencebetween.com/difference-between-pride-and-vs-confidence/

Narcissism. (2016, September 14). Lynne Namka. https://lynnenamka.com/narcissism

Richardson, A. (1980). Stories from Grandma's attic. Chariot Victor Publishing.

The sin of pride — Seven deadly sins. (n.d.). Seven Deadly Sins. https://www.deadlysins.com/pride

Letting Go Of Leading

I'm a near empty-nester. My husband and I have his son, my step-son, at home but my four biological kids are gone. My oldest two began university years ago (one has even graduated) but due to Covid and the online schooling that came with it, the stark reality of the empty nest became reality this fall. 

I'm thrilled for my kids. Like yours, they are kind, sensitive, fun and compassionate. It's time for them to spread those wings. But I grieve. And sleep a lot. Because what else is there to do? As I process what's going on for me, much of the discomfort I feel is admitting that a big chunk of my influence, where I tried to mold my offspring "into my own image", is completed. My season of primary impact (read: attempt to control) is finished. When I gave birth to my first, I had a goal for myself  - I always have goals. In all the wisdom of my late 20's I determined that, for me, success as a parent would be raising happy, well-adjusted kids who loved Jesus. I ensured they were well-socialized, I orchestrated carefully curated playdates, made sure they went to church, tried to model healthy attachment, and let them know how dearly loved they were (are). 

My wee ones (Taryn Rose Photography)

I watch The Goldbergs regularly, and Beverly (the Mom) says at least once an episode, "If you do such-and-such, then I have FAILED AS A PARENT". Ya, I get that. I giggle, because it's true. I want my kids to look and act a certain way because why? Because it's best for them? Or because it's best (more comfortable) for me?

If functional adulting is something my kids desire (let's hope so) then I need to let them try things out. There will be successes. There will be non-successes. And of course I know from my experience, a person learns far more from failures than anything else. Were my parents able to mold me into their image? No, or not initially, anyway. Do I think they are/would be pleased with the person I've become? Most definitely. Did I take the path they wanted me to take, the path they thought was best? Sometimes, but not always. If I would have made every choice they wanted me to, would I be here today? No. Do I like the person I am? I love the person I am. 

Success.

Hands-off parenting is hard. I want to suggest. I want to check-in. I want to make sure everything is ok. 

The sub-title of this blog is "Practicing Influential Management". My parental management days are over. What I'm able to do now is maintain healthy connections with these young adults who no longer need to live with me. Support them. Encourage them as they find their way. Cheer them on, and when appropriate, dry their tears. 

Influence in the kid's lives can still exist if I live out of my values. By owning my story. And of course the e-word: encouragement.

I love you, my wee ones. And I think I'll need to read this post to myself at least once a day for a while.

A couple articles I found helpful:

Bryan, K. (2017, February 20). 5 reasons why adult children estrange from their parents. WeHaveKids. https://wehavekids.com/family-relationships/adult-child-estranged-reasons

How parents influence their children. (2013, October 14). Kevin A. Thompson. https://www.kevinathompson.com/parents-influence-children/

Is there any hope for Health Care? The promising tale of Dr. Herbert Pardes

 I did a lot of grieving for our Health Care system this week. Covid-19 has shone a bright light on many cracks in a system which was fractured long before this pandemic began. I have a peculiar vantage point to observe this. Although I'm not clinical, I spend a considerable amount of time in hospitals five days a week, doing the people-y things that I do. I've seen a concerning lack of staffing - not because too few staff are hired, but staff are so desperate for mental/emotional/psychological relief, sick calls have become their vehicle to navigate stress. (Having said that, there is a critical shortage of nurses, particularly in northern BC - see the reference at the bottom of the page - stress likely plays a large role) I've seen hospital staff verbally assaulted and threatened. And I've seen frustrated family members at their wit's end, the isolation of patients from their loved ones taking a drastic toll on both ends. 

I also happened upon an article I read a few months ago. For whatever reason, this week I processed the story with fresh eyes. It's good. Let me tell you about it. 

In the winter of 2008, Michael Lee Stallard and Jason Pankau wrote a journal article called Strengthening Human Value in Organizational Cultures. Their premise was that the worth of a person exists in an employer/employee climate when three factors are realized:

 - when we understand the essential intellective needs of people

 - when we recognize particular novel abilities people can offer

 - when we encourage people to dream of what could be, and cheer them on, assisting where we can

Here's where Dr. Herbert Pardes comes in:

Herbert Pardes is an American doctor, psychiatrist and the executive vice-chairman of New York-Presbyterian Hospital. He is nationally recognized as a leader in psychiatric and academic medicine. In 1939 when he was seven, he was hospitalized for many months with Perthes disease. During his stay he was kept largely isolated from his family, endured countless procedures with little to no commentary, and was provided no comfort from an emotionally cold medical team. This experience left him with  profound insight - he dedicated his life to bettering health care, with particular emphasis on humane, practical delivery.

Dr. Pardes

He co-authored a book titled Understanding Human Behavior, where he highlighted the needs of hospital employees, patients and family members - he taught that this group performed, healed, and functioned more effectively when their emotional needs were engaged and acknowledged. He was careful to hire staff who had a healthy capacity towards caring, and encouraged each staff member to seek out a professional mentor. This mentorship often resulted in a careful balance of personal life with career development. His greatest success might have been targeting greater intentional connections between hospital staff, patients and their family members by asking them to learn each others names, welcoming individuals onto the wards and including caregivers on a patients care team and medical communications.

Practically, this transformed New York-Presbyterian's bottom line from 1.7 billion in revenue in 2000 to 2.6 billion in 2006. The hospital's job postings for nurses fell to less than one-third of the national average. New York Magazine surveyed one thousand doctors who chose New York-Presbyterian as the most desired to work at in the metro New York area. The New York Times stated "most urban hospitals have struggled, New York-Presbyterian has thrived.".

Looking at where we are in our Canadian health care system during this pandemic, let's consider our rampant bed shortage. When patients are kept away from their emotional attachments (families), it takes them longer to heal. The longer it takes for them to heal, the longer beds are tied up. The longer beds are tied up, the more time it takes for people to get the care they need, creating a seemingly never ending bottleneck of frustration and aggravation. 

Attaching feelings of goodwill to your organization will enhance system achievements. When engagement increases, so does work attendance. When patients can have robust, respectful interactions with their family and staff, and when families are warmly welcomed onto the hospital units, connection is fostered. There can be hope for our beleaguered health care system if we can reimagine a medical experience that includes recognizing the needs, abilities and dreams of clinical leaders, patients and caregivers.

The Canadian Press. (2021, September 20). B.C. health authority issues alarm over nurse shortage in Fort St. John. Abbotsford News. https://www.abbynews.com/news/b-c-health-authority-issues-alarm-over-nurse-shortage-in-fort-st-john/

Herb Pardes. (2005, August 11). Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. Retrieved September 25, 2021, from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Herb_Pardes

Stallard, M. L., & Pankau, J. (2007). Strengthening human value in organizational cultures. Leader to Leader, 2008(47), 18-23. https://doi.org/10.1002/ltl.264

If you're a leader, you're going to be tempted....

Last week I talked about Patrick Lencioni's five dysfunctions of a team. Today I want to take a step further and look at Lencioni's five temptations of a leader. As always, Lencioni's insights shine a light on the pitfalls that can befall managers and can lead CEOs down the perilous path to the spin doctor's office. 

Lencioni's First Temptation  - Elevate your ego over the needs of the company. If you make agreements and compromises that are intended to make you look good instead of making your team or company look good, we have a problem. If you have a leader who speaks well, can motivate others, but does not include outcomes or results in their communications, they may be falling prey to this temptation. I'm going to admit, my orange ENFJ personality is naturally predisposed to this. Lencioni encourages folks like me to diligently strive for results over fluff, and to look to advance through achievement instead of your winning personality. 

Lencioni's Second Temptation  - Being liked by your direct reports is more important than holding them accountable. Also me. But I am growing in this area. I did some deep work on this subject a few month back and discovered the wonderful world of polarity maps. I shifted my focus from being liked (my sensitivity) to managing the poles between sensitivity and accountability (which are both important) by keeping employee's responsibilities at the forefront of my interactions with them. This gives me the foundation I need to carry out my responsibilities as a supervisor. It also underscores the importance of having very clear job descriptions and expectations.

My "being liked vs. holding people accountable" polarity map

Lencioni's Third Temptation  - The need to be right distracts you, thus you communicate sparse direction/instruction to your employees in the fear you've missed something. This is not me. But I do know it's an issue for others. I see this when looking at larger organizations who continually need to manage transparency (or wanting to seem transparent to keep their stakeholders happy) with confidentiality. It can also be a factor when you are working in a rapidly changing environment where the rules can change often and quickly (think healthcare during a pandemic). What was correct policy and procedure one day is not the next. Many managers turn to silence, because they honestly don't know what the right answers are. Nothing sucks the energy and confidence out of your employees like a quiet supervisor who can't or won't give direction.

Lencioni's Fourth Temptation  - You avoid creative tension and miss productive outcomes that can emerge from robust, respectful disagreement. This is for all the lovers of peace who find themselves in management positions. Harmony is to be valued. It is a gift. But placing too high a place on desiring peace, happiness, sweetness and light can miss a mark. This summer I was placed with a group of people and tasked with developing a new strategic plan for an NGO. We had a week. Because we did not know each other well, we spend a lot of time doing a relational dance where we tried to create something innovative without stepping on toes. It was hard. Our saving grace were the standards we set for our team at the beginning of our work together. Emotionally checking in and out at the beginning and end of our meetings coupled with taking responsibility for out words and attitudes allowed us to successfully build a proposal to meet our client's needs, and we ended up building trust with each other along the way. Don't fear the "groan zone" - treat it with care. You may be a surprised with what a respectful system can accomplish. 

Lencioni's Fifth Temptation  - Being powerful and bulletproof is more important than revealing personal weakness. Ultimately, this is about trust. If your team trusts you, and you trust your team, appropriately disclosing your humanity can be a powerful tool. But not powerful in the way you think (although warm feelings of goodwill in a team are rarely unwanted). If you trust your team, you don't need to waste time hiding. You can get the job done without wondering what your co-workers are thinking or how you can communicate thoughts without admitting you need help or don't know the answer. Honestly, it's just good time-management. "I need your help, I don't know the answer, but you probably do." Compelling phrases that can develop trust and motivate your team to successful outcomes.

Temptation is universal. It's going to happen. What I do with it as I practice influential management will either set me apart as an effective leader or keep me comfortably mired in mediocrity.

(n.d.). Institute for Jewish Policy Research: Welcome. https://www.jpr.org.uk/documents/14-06-19.Barry_Johnson.Polarity_Management.pdf

Wright, A. D. (2019, August 16). Good leaders avoid these 5 temptations. SHRM. https://www.shrm.org/ResourcesAndTools/hr-topics/behavioral-competencies/leadership-and-navigation/Pages/Good-Leaders-Avoid-Temptations.aspx

Why doesn't this team work?

In the last post, I talked about values and the idea that effective leaders need to know themselves and what is important to them before they can productively lead others. Today, I'm going to write about being involved on teams - and why, despite best intentions, some teams don't function in a healthy way. 

I am not new to teams, I've been part of many. Some were more effective than others. I remember being part of team of 10-15 professionals that was regularly in a state of group development and think tanks, with a lot of monetary resources allocated and spent. For some reason, we were rarely able to achieve our goals. We had lots of talk. Then lots more talk. And big plans with big ideas. That's where we stayed. We were consumed with dysfunction and leadership's direction was more plans, more retreats, more talk. We were a classic example of what can happen when a staff lacks bravery, safety and regulation.

Patrick Lencioni writes about five dysfunctions of teams (2011). His clear articulation of leadership related challenges make him a dynamite resource for managers. I wish I would have known then what Lencioni teaches. The influence we could have had in our community would have been life-changing.

Dysfunction #1 - Lack of Trust. That was us. In the early days of our team, when everything was sunshine and roses we made so many great plans - we could change the world  But gradually with action items remaining unactioned, exclamations of "I can't do my job if you won't do your job" permeating staff meetings and goodwill that once existed between us having eroded, the idea of trusting co-workers to complete their responsibilities was not even a consideration.

Dysfunction #2 - Fear of Conflict. Now this is a tough one for me. I'm naturally a lover, not a fighter. But when I choose to believe things can magically improve without engaging in the struggle (some call it the Groan Zone or labor pains) that is necessary to bring about development, I'm giving in to fear and not leading out of a confident sense of my calling or my values.

Dysfunction #3 - Lack of Commitment. Lencioni explains this like this, "without conflict and putting opinions on the table, it is difficult for team members to commit to decisions." That was eye-opening to me. I have always seen lack of commitment as being a personal shortcoming, but seeing commitment tied to feeling safe enough on a team to share your thoughts and ideas reframed my thinking.

Dysfunction #4 - Accountability Avoidance.  When a group's action plan is unclear, leaders who are usually high functioning and assignment oriented may avoid managing the conduct and performance of their direct reports.

Dysfunction #5 - Inattention to Results. Group members put their personal agendas ahead of the teams needs when others are not held accountable.

After processing Lencioni's writings, it's clear that optimal performance can be achieved on a team if trust is created. Trust can be achieved when people feel safe enough to express their opinions and ideas, Once trust happens (which is magical), group members can commitment to a clear direction. This clear direction gives leaders what they need to do their job (manage direct reports) which keeps a teams focus on their goal.

This is good stuff. I'd love to hear your thoughts as I practice keeping my team functional through influential management.

Lencioni, P., Vulnerability, Leadership Excellence; Aurora. Vol 28, Issue 7, (Jul 2011); 16-

Sudoku of the Soul - Part One

You can't lead others (effectively) until you know who you are. The Peter Principle (Peter, 1969)  says competent people are promoted until they achieve incompetence. My observation is a bit different. Good leaders find themselves in situations which gradually demand a depth of insight only achievable through intentional personal work. If your manager doesn't do their work, they cannot authentically lead from their values, and may use fear, coercion, manipulation, or codependency to get their job done.

Values based leadership is not new, but it is trending. In Dare to Lead, leadership guru Brene Brown lists over 100 characteristics that people, consciously or sub-consciously, operate from Values.pdf (brenebrown.com). That's a fantastic idea, but what happens if your values don't align with the organization you work for, or your job description. What if you don't even know what your values are (or if they've changed)? What if it's not occurred to you to lead out of who you are, because you've traditionally acquiesced to an internally held mental model (Senge, 2010) around how you thought leaders operated?

I did some intent personal work this summer, spending hours mulling and determining my values. There are many resources available. I've already mentioned Brene Brown's (2018) Dare to Lead and would also highly recommend examining the multiple resources available through the Barrett Values Centre. Beyond that, type "values based leadership" in your search engine and you will be met with a plethora of insightful means for your consideration.

I was directed to determine a list of my values no greater than five, then I needed to cull it down to two. Initially, faith and creativity topped my list, and those felt good to me. Faith is my worldview, my belief that we are part of something bigger than just us, and because of that, there is hope. I parent my kids and respond to others out of that hope and it guides me. Creativity is what energizes me. I need to develop, build, bring forward, encourage. That is who I am. Creativity has paid my bills and given me a reason to get out of bed in the morning for much of my life. 

But there was more. 

Honesty, authenticity and challenge brought insight. Instead of looking at what I liked, I became aware of what I didn't like. I started examining my stressors and saw a value so ingrained in my psyche that it directs my faith and steers my creativity. It is my love affair with time. Time may be a construct limited to this solar system, but to me, it is the boundary I need to exist. 

I am task oriented - I manage my time like no one else. I was raised in an environment that highlighted the completion of goals. It stuck - I can get more done in a day than many can in a week. It is not unheard of for me to go to bed while I have guests over because I need to be lying down for eight complete hours.  If you want to see me come completely unhinged, take away my ability to manage my time. Deep breathing and a generous supply of paper bags to blow into may not be enough discourage a panic attack. 

I grew up thinking my infatuation with time was a bad thing. I thought I should be more relaxed, more relational (I actually am very people-y but I need those relationships managed by time), and less concerned with ticking entries off a list. 

This summer I learned that time is a value to be treasured, nurtured and a gift. If time is a creation for us - day and night - it is good, and I will sing the praises of planning, lists, and post-it notes. 

Every day I practice being an influential leader - and I can do that living into my value of appreciating and stewarding time. 

And yes, I would love to talk to you more about this, but we'll have to make an appointment. I don't have time right now. 

Brown, B. (2018). Dare to lead: Brave work. Tough conversations. Whole hearts. Random House.

Peter, L. J., & Hull, R. (1969). The Peter principle.

Senge, P. M. (2010). The fifth discipline: The art & practice of the learning organization. Currency.