Letting Go Of Leading

I'm a near empty-nester. My husband and I have his son, my step-son, at home but my four biological kids are gone. My oldest two began university years ago (one has even graduated) but due to Covid and the online schooling that came with it, the stark reality of the empty nest became reality this fall. 

I'm thrilled for my kids. Like yours, they are kind, sensitive, fun and compassionate. It's time for them to spread those wings. But I grieve. And sleep a lot. Because what else is there to do? As I process what's going on for me, much of the discomfort I feel is admitting that a big chunk of my influence, where I tried to mold my offspring "into my own image", is completed. My season of primary impact (read: attempt to control) is finished. When I gave birth to my first, I had a goal for myself  - I always have goals. In all the wisdom of my late 20's I determined that, for me, success as a parent would be raising happy, well-adjusted kids who loved Jesus. I ensured they were well-socialized, I orchestrated carefully curated playdates, made sure they went to church, tried to model healthy attachment, and let them know how dearly loved they were (are). 

My wee ones (Taryn Rose Photography)

I watch The Goldbergs regularly, and Beverly (the Mom) says at least once an episode, "If you do such-and-such, then I have FAILED AS A PARENT". Ya, I get that. I giggle, because it's true. I want my kids to look and act a certain way because why? Because it's best for them? Or because it's best (more comfortable) for me?

If functional adulting is something my kids desire (let's hope so) then I need to let them try things out. There will be successes. There will be non-successes. And of course I know from my experience, a person learns far more from failures than anything else. Were my parents able to mold me into their image? No, or not initially, anyway. Do I think they are/would be pleased with the person I've become? Most definitely. Did I take the path they wanted me to take, the path they thought was best? Sometimes, but not always. If I would have made every choice they wanted me to, would I be here today? No. Do I like the person I am? I love the person I am. 

Success.

Hands-off parenting is hard. I want to suggest. I want to check-in. I want to make sure everything is ok. 

The sub-title of this blog is "Practicing Influential Management". My parental management days are over. What I'm able to do now is maintain healthy connections with these young adults who no longer need to live with me. Support them. Encourage them as they find their way. Cheer them on, and when appropriate, dry their tears. 

Influence in the kid's lives can still exist if I live out of my values. By owning my story. And of course the e-word: encouragement.

I love you, my wee ones. And I think I'll need to read this post to myself at least once a day for a while.

A couple articles I found helpful:

Bryan, K. (2017, February 20). 5 reasons why adult children estrange from their parents. WeHaveKids. https://wehavekids.com/family-relationships/adult-child-estranged-reasons

How parents influence their children. (2013, October 14). Kevin A. Thompson. https://www.kevinathompson.com/parents-influence-children/