Terrified of Pride (no, not that Pride)

 How do you make peace with the fact that you're good at something?

When I was young, one of my favorite books was Stories from Grandma's Attic by Arieta Richardson. The author spun feel-good tales of wonders found in, you guessed it, Grandma's attic. It was filled with robust doses of behavior-laden expectations and "you should/nots". Nothing I wasn't used to. One of the morals of those stories (I don't even remember what the story was about) is BURNED and I mean BURNED into my psyche. Proverbs 16:18 PRIDE GOETH BEFORE A FALL. I can only imagine the story communicated the horrors of this transgression -  a quick google search confirmed it is one of the seven deadly sins - which, as St. Augustine wrote, "turns Angels into Devils", and stressed humility, humility, humility. 

I know there is "good" pride. But honestly for me, healthy, measured pride in the things I've genuinely worked for is:

a. not sexy

b. feels like a slippery slope to "bad" pride

c. seems like more effort than it's worth

I am in my very-very early 50's. I've lived some life, been around the block a time or two, not my first rodeo, etc., etc. I've got skills. Skills I secretly want to feel really good about, because honestly, they are the culmination of my life's work. These skills came at a cost. I write, I speak, I lead, I teach, I research, I learn, I strategize, I include, I draw out the good in people, I communicate deeply through the arts. If you hired me to do any of those things, you would likely not be disappointed. 

I want to celebrate the things I do well, but I'm afraid. Afraid of my ego. Afraid of that deadly sin. Afraid I'll fall and lose what I've worked for. Afraid I'll be punished from on high and be smitten with an uncontrollable bladder and ultra- rapid hair growth on my chin, neck and upper lip.

I'm probably entering menopause soon, if you couldn't already tell. 

Is there a connection between confidence and pride? Is it possible to live out of your confidence and leap-frog over pride altogether? Come to think of it, I don't think I have much issue with being confident. I approach confidence as an understanding that "I've got this". For me, confidence is a gift. 

Maybe, just maybe, I can be confident today because I know where I have the skills to get the job done. Maybe I know myself well enough to see what I'm not good at (changing the oil, parallel parking, downhill skiing). Maybe I use honest feedback/feedforward for my growth and not discount it as baseless criticism. Maybe as I practice influential management I lead out of those values.

And maybe one day I'll feel proud of those things. 

Sources:

Admin. (2015, January 29). Difference between pride and confidence. Compare the Difference Between Similar Terms. https://www.differencebetween.com/difference-between-pride-and-vs-confidence/

Narcissism. (2016, September 14). Lynne Namka. https://lynnenamka.com/narcissism

Richardson, A. (1980). Stories from Grandma's attic. Chariot Victor Publishing.

The sin of pride — Seven deadly sins. (n.d.). Seven Deadly Sins. https://www.deadlysins.com/pride

Letting Go Of Leading

I'm a near empty-nester. My husband and I have his son, my step-son, at home but my four biological kids are gone. My oldest two began university years ago (one has even graduated) but due to Covid and the online schooling that came with it, the stark reality of the empty nest became reality this fall. 

I'm thrilled for my kids. Like yours, they are kind, sensitive, fun and compassionate. It's time for them to spread those wings. But I grieve. And sleep a lot. Because what else is there to do? As I process what's going on for me, much of the discomfort I feel is admitting that a big chunk of my influence, where I tried to mold my offspring "into my own image", is completed. My season of primary impact (read: attempt to control) is finished. When I gave birth to my first, I had a goal for myself  - I always have goals. In all the wisdom of my late 20's I determined that, for me, success as a parent would be raising happy, well-adjusted kids who loved Jesus. I ensured they were well-socialized, I orchestrated carefully curated playdates, made sure they went to church, tried to model healthy attachment, and let them know how dearly loved they were (are). 

My wee ones (Taryn Rose Photography)

I watch The Goldbergs regularly, and Beverly (the Mom) says at least once an episode, "If you do such-and-such, then I have FAILED AS A PARENT". Ya, I get that. I giggle, because it's true. I want my kids to look and act a certain way because why? Because it's best for them? Or because it's best (more comfortable) for me?

If functional adulting is something my kids desire (let's hope so) then I need to let them try things out. There will be successes. There will be non-successes. And of course I know from my experience, a person learns far more from failures than anything else. Were my parents able to mold me into their image? No, or not initially, anyway. Do I think they are/would be pleased with the person I've become? Most definitely. Did I take the path they wanted me to take, the path they thought was best? Sometimes, but not always. If I would have made every choice they wanted me to, would I be here today? No. Do I like the person I am? I love the person I am. 

Success.

Hands-off parenting is hard. I want to suggest. I want to check-in. I want to make sure everything is ok. 

The sub-title of this blog is "Practicing Influential Management". My parental management days are over. What I'm able to do now is maintain healthy connections with these young adults who no longer need to live with me. Support them. Encourage them as they find their way. Cheer them on, and when appropriate, dry their tears. 

Influence in the kid's lives can still exist if I live out of my values. By owning my story. And of course the e-word: encouragement.

I love you, my wee ones. And I think I'll need to read this post to myself at least once a day for a while.

A couple articles I found helpful:

Bryan, K. (2017, February 20). 5 reasons why adult children estrange from their parents. WeHaveKids. https://wehavekids.com/family-relationships/adult-child-estranged-reasons

How parents influence their children. (2013, October 14). Kevin A. Thompson. https://www.kevinathompson.com/parents-influence-children/